Happy Birthday to Me!

"Happy Birthday to Me... Happy Birthday to Me... " Yes in just another few hours I'll be another year older. Scary to think that I am now a year past all expectations, the tumor in my head seems to be behaving, and efforts to compensate for all the damage already done either by the tumor or the treatment of the tumor are continuing. Overall things could be a lot worse. I am realizing that only now is my survival sinking in to the point that I don't worry that I will die in my sleep, or when I am home alone with nobody to help. On the other hand I am also wary of being too complacent and having things sneak up on me again. I know the doctor is upset that I don't come in more often, but I am always worried he will find something wrong and then I'll be right back in the hospital. I'm proud of myself that I have managed to keep my job through all this, that I can still ride a motorcycle on occasion, and that my loving wife did not pull the plug when she had the chance, has stood by me through it all, and takes care of me - keeping me out of a hospital ward or nursing home. I try very hard to keep my sense of humor and a cheery outlook because I have watched too many other people who seem to have their health tied to their outlook. I'm coming to grips with my limitations and the fact that things will NOT get better - doing this and being cheery is proving a challenge. I feel like a 20 year old trapped in the body of a 90 year old. Both my mind and my body have taken a massive hit from all the surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy drugs. My brain especially took a hit during the first surgery to remove the tumor. I lost memories, personality, intelligence, and many other things. Some good came of it though, most people like me so much better since the surgery - and I lost good and bad memories, not just the good ones. As I tell myself every morning - it could always be worse...